Series 10 - The Parody, Episode 1

[Annie]

Before subjecting you to this, I feel the need to point out that this is purely a comedy, based on a discussion between some friends and me about what we can expect from series 10 if they are going to try and top s9. I also have nothing against people from China or Russia.


[Secret location, somewhere in London]

In the naked, dim-lit basement room, the three Chinese agents were gathered around a small table. Head Secret Asian Man, Shang Xin Li - codename Slithering Snake, was joined on his so far most important mission by Special Secret Hitman Shi Bai Lun - Blade of Cruel Death, and the teams only female member; Bei Mu Yi - Mystic Predicament.

"This is our most important mission to date", Shang said, stating the obvious. "By doing this, we have a chance to finally change the world, forever."

"We have been preparing for this moment for decades", Shi continued, supplying some necessary backstory. "If we succeed, this will be the most glorious victory ever won."

"It is an honour and a priviledge to be a part of such a world-changing mission," Bei stated with pride.

"The moment has come!" Shang announced. He carefully lifted the object on the table, a small metal sphere with four robotic legs, and placed it on the floor. By pushing a transparant blue button on top of the contraption, he activated it as Shi and Bei gave some made-up-by-writers traditional Chinese salute. The robot scampered out the door, up the stairs, and out into the London night.


[Alien Space Shuttle, 400 000 feet above London]

"Stop pointing at me with that... thing! I am the Home Secretary of Britain!" Home Secretary Towers bellowed at a small, skinny, pale alien with hundreds of spaghetti-thin tentacles and a funnel-shaped nose. "I don't know what fiendish organization you work for, but you can rest assured you will not get away with this! I will personally see to..."

Zzzap!!!


[Alec White's Mancave, Living room floor]

"Gnnrff..."

"Alec? Alec, wake up!"

"Owwf, my head..! Go Away."

"Alec, this is not acceptable!"

"It's Sunday morning, for crying out loud."

"It is Thursday at noon, and we have a national emergency!"

Dimitri gave up trying to haul the intoxicated superior to his feet. He was well aware that Alec had a... fondness for things with a bit more bite than orange juice, but this was ridiculous.

"You have one minute, White! After that I start streaming live video from my mobile phone directly to the Grid. Do you want Beth and Ruth to see you passed out and in your undies? You want them to know that you wear Pokemon underpants?

Alec White staggered to his feet. "At least let me have a shower and a smoke before you drag me off on some ill-fated operation."


[Grid]

"How can they possibly think that Harry has anything to do with the Home Secretary's disappearance?" Beth asked incredulously. "He would never do anything like that!"

Ruth thought to herself that Beth was actually right. Harry had never made a politician disappear before. They had always found the body. She chose to divert the conversation over to the popular topic of the last series' ubelievable incidents.

"Lucas' autopsy report will probably be finished today."

"Autopsy? It's not exactly hard to diagnose what he died from!"

Ruth winced. The former section chief had not been a very pretty sight, after eating pavement. She would never look at road-killed toads the same way again.

"No, they wanted to run some DNA tests..."

"Why? To see if he really was that John guy?"

"I'm not sure," Ruth said. "I'm not sure of anything. Sometimes I even go to sleep at night wondering if I'll still be Ruth when I wake up, or if I'll turn out to be a woman named Hortence who has seven kids and like watching Lifetime Unoriginal movies. That's enough angst for today."


[London street corner]

The strange little robot scurried out from under a newspaper stand, and legged it down the street. Only a Yorkshire Terrier noticed it, but they are known for barking at anything, so no one paid it any attention.


[Tariq's desk]

"We are recieving some unidentified signals," said the young man in the ugly sweater. "It's an encryption that is not known to our crazily advanced spy-software. I will need to debloopify the carrier signal and screen all the stray queesles before I can determine its source."

"You do that, Tariq," Ruth said with a sigh.

"Ok, now I have done it," Tariq announced, as usual it had only taken a coupe of seconds. "The signal comes from 400 000 feet above... this address." He zoomed in on a spot on the secret spy map that showed the whole world in great detail, and text on the screen informed them that it was Home Sec Towers' residence."

"Thish must be the work of Russhans!" said the voice of Alec White, as he came stumbling into the room. "It's alwaysh the Russians."

"Not always," Beth protested. "There was once when... no."

Just then the screen on Tariq's computer began flickering and spazzing, and the room was filled with a loud, screeching sound that made everyone cover their ears. The static was slowly replaced with an image of a hideous face, that became clearer as the screeching died down. They could now hear the stranger speaking in a decidedly foreign language.

"Plfff offug hnnnrgg xlormp! Glurrk!"

"Is he speaking... Russian?" Dimitri asked.

"Well, it's not Chinese or Arabic," Ruth explained. "How typical is it that Lucas isn't here when you need him?"