How did you feel about Season 9?

[Belle]

When Lucas was released he told Harry something in the line of: if you are surrounded by people who don't trust you, you aren't home. So maybe he never trusted himself, hence the impersonal flat(s), the clingy need to feel cared about, to feel trusted. He needed other people to trust him because he could not trust himself, he didn't know who he was and it's hard to trust a stranger. I wonder, if his ex wouldn't have difforced him or if he encountered someone who really loved him, he would have been able to eventualy love himself, because I feel like all the selfsacrifice we saw in s7 & 8 was a tool to feel needed, to prove to his colleagues he could be trusted, to prove to himself he was worth it, hell, just to feel (alive)! When people are traumatised they sometimes do the weirdest things to feel something, maybe they cut themselves, maybe they withdraw from real life, maybe they become someone really different.
But said all that, that doesn't explain to me why someone who spend 8 years in prison for his country and to protect his fellow officers, carrying all the trauma on his shoulders, would suddenly be as selfish as they portrayed John.
I mean when he was first imprisoned, he was 'Lucas' for 6 years or so, surely you don't forget in 6 years who you really are (John) and therefore it's hard to believe that 'John' would spend all that time in captivaty to protect others. The story just doesn't work for me in that way.
John would never sacrifice all that time of his life 'for queen and country', but Lucas did!
I could believe that Lucas finally cracked under all the bad he went through and no one would argue with the fact that eventually he would take his own life, but the whole 'John' thing just doesn't add up!
Am I making sense?