'For his first trick, the terrorist presents....' Ch. 7

[JHyde]

Sorry for long delay in updating. I was originally going to make it one huge chapter to finish but have split it into two. The last chapter will follow soon.

Please review, really - please. You can PM me if you don't want to leave it here.

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He had been bundled into a car by Ros and swept from the scene before the squad leader of the CO19 team could be called to the scene. How much time had elapsed he wasn't sure, but here he was, cleaning up at a sink in the men's. An evil monotony that regularly took place during a mission that had gone wrong somewhere. He hated washing and cleaning, it was such a tedious habit of living things that they needed to clean themselves. Lucas tossed aside the towel and pulled on the clean t-shirt. He packed up the soap and toothbrush and crossed to his locker. And suddenly he was back at the scene and blood was everywhere....

His breathing eventually calmed and Lucas rested with his back against the lockers. There was much to be thankful for back in England, not least was the ability to recover from the crippling panic attacks and flashbacks without calling attention to them. Being alone was hard to come by in a Russian prison, at least alone in person. (Alone in one's heart and mind was quite a different matter.) For the moment he was alone in self here in England. It was an ugly paradox that he needed the silence during the day in his work where he couldn't get it, and needed the company at night where he couldn't find it. Lucas bounced his head back against the cold aluminium - there was no balance in any part of his life; his sole purpose for being remained, as always, his job, his country. It might be enough to get him through tonight, and tomorrow, and next week. But would it be enough next year? The one after? He was still young and the years stretched out in front of him empty but for his anger and insomnia. Poor enough companions for a man in his prime. Perhaps he would get lucky and die young, like so many in this Section. He grimaced. Some life he had planned for himself now he was home. He was hoping to die young.

Outside, Ruth waited patiently on one of the two metal chairs that had somehow ended up in the corridor. It was cold and dark and she shivered, then wincing as she heard the slam of the locker door yet again. She waited for Lucas to put his public face back on before he emerged from the mens' room, hoping that when he did she might be able to penetrate the facade that was finally slipping. She gathered her courage to confront someone she loved and admired. Since returning, she had come to accept that the people she worked with passed for her family. Lucas was family, and he needed her help.

The door slammed and Lucas strode out, stopping short as Ruth stepped out of the shadows. He tossed his bag onto the floor in frustration.

"I should have known Harry would send a welcome party to to do his bidding. His office? Now?"

Ruth extended a placating hand, flushing, and he reached down to pick up his bag, ashamed of what he had implied. Ruth was far from a lap-dog and he was usually far from spiteful. Lucas sighed and began to apologise before Ruth cut him off.

"I'm here for you, Lucas." She paused. "There's a man in intensive care and Ros is taking tests to see if she was infected at Piggins' earlier today and Harry is out taking care of things. So the welcome wagon is mine, I'm afraid. And even if it didn't behove me to come down here and check on you as part of the team, I'd still do it anyway."

Lucas looked up quickly. "I know that, Ruth."

She stepped closer and smiled. "We're all worried, Lucas. We have been for months since before....", she faltered, as she always did when she tried to speak about coming back. She took a deep breath. "Since before I came back. Ros, Jo, Malcolm even - all worried about you, not knowing what to say, how to help you."

Lucas nodded slowly. What was he meant to say? Apologise for being surly since he had lost 8 years of his life? For making his peers occasionally uncomfortable? The irrational anger surged through him once again and Ruth stopped as she was about to put her hand on his arm. She stepped back slightly.

"It's not your fault, Lucas. I've seen the files - what little is in there. You couldn't have stopped them from taking you. And I know how it feels to lose years of your life, I really do." She shrugged. "I know I wasn't buried deep in a concrete hell, alternately suffering in solitary or being beaten. I can't understand that and I'm... so sorry for all of it. But I do know what it's like to lose everything you love in just one day. In one moment."

He breathed deeply. "You don't need to compare notes, Ruth. I know you have lost greatly. Ros told me what happened - at least everything that happened that she knew. She feels more guilt over your leaving than you will know, or more than she knows, even. And that was before you returned. But no, it's not the same."

"Ros too, Lucas. We've all lost so much to this job. Every person who has worked here these last years has lost so, so much. And that's just those of us still here. Harry...."

She had been putting off saying Harry's name, knowing that her listener would have a Pavlovian reaction when she did. Lucas exploded.

"Don't, Ruth! I don't want to know about Harry and what he might have lost!"

Now Ruth raised her voice. "He can help you, Lucas. You can get the help you need, the counselling from the people who have worked with officers who have been through anything similar. There are others, you know. There are ways to live with this."

Lucas grasped the handle of his bag more firmly. "Oh yes, I know the services (his voice dripping with sarcasm) this friendly, caring, sharing Service offers. And I know what I might be left with at the end of it."

Ruth shrugged again. "It's better that you have whatever you might be left with after getting help than waiting to see how your career implodes if you keep on as you have."

Lucas started to storm off. Ruth called after him. "What if you do something where Harry can't help you, Lucas? Something so big and terrible that you're left ...."

Her voice trailed off as Lucas approached her. Ruth was simultaneously scared rigid and impressed as he glowered at her. She suddenly wasn't so surprised that people in the field were frightened of this not-so-gentle giant. But she stood her ground. "What if you're stuck in a hole Harry can't bail you out from?"

"What, like 8 years in a Russian prison? Heaven forbid that Harry can't get me out of something!"

He was shouting and Ruth placed a hand on his arm now. "Harry didn't beat you and torture you and keep you in Russia, Lucas. It wasn't his fault any more than it was yours. You lash out at Harry because you can't punish the people who hurt you so much."

Lucas stormed off for the second time in as many minutes. "Thanks ever so much for the pop psychology lecture, Ruth." He kept walking, hearing Ruth running behind him. "I think I'll cope without what Harry and the Service are throwing at my head. I just don't trust them any more."

Ruth grabbed him from behind and flinched as he dropped his bag and seized her arms. He started to shake her but she spoke angrily, her voice trembling. He paused. "Look at yourself, Lucas! You're reacting to me as though I'm someone trying to hurt you! In the field! It's me!"

Her eyes flashed and he could see that behind her anger, she was frightened. Really frightened, as though he might HURT her. He dropped he quickly and turned away, the shame coursing through him. He saw his mother's face and covered his face with his hands, hearing Ruth from behind him. The woman who most reminded him of her.

"It's allright, Lucas, because it's me. But what if it was an asset? A girlfriend? Someone who really mattered?"

His breath slowing, Lucas turned to tell her she did matter to him, but she was already walking away.

"Harry's at your house, Lucas. Go and meet him there."

She walked up the stairs, pushing past two people from Section M who cast her looks of confusion as she shook and barely held the tears back. She hurried into the ladies' on the floor above, thankful only that she held off her reaction until Lucas was no longer near. It was a reaction she hated in herself, this response to anger and fear. But as she gasped for breath in a toilet cubicle, praying that no-one came in and heard her, she was only glad she had said her piece. The rest was up to Harry and Lucas.

And then she almost laughed. Now she had to fix things with Harry, so that she heard how things went at Lucas' flat. She couldn't chide Lucas for dodging the hard stuff when she herself was avoiding Harry. It was time to face the fear and practice performing the pass.

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[YourFutureMuse]

ooh I loved this - well worth the wait! It kind of reminds me of in 2.5 when Ruth stands up to Tom - I like seeing that side of her haha. I also liked how Ruth reminds Lucas of his Mum - that's cute and she does have a sortof motherly character Can't wait til next chp! but poor Lucas haha

[Aria]

Yay, I did a mental happy dance when I saw you had posted this chapter. It certainly was worth the wait. Lovely and brilliant writing in capturing Lucas's anger and frustration with himself, his time in captivity and Harry. Ruth standing up to him and his anger was brave, beautiful and sad. Was that a rugby metaphor in the last chapter? Hope you update soon.

[Silktie]

Great job once again. You depicted Lucas' descent into emotional instability well. It kind of reminds one of Tom's descent. Great Ruth chapter, it's nice to see her strengths portrayed so well in a story for once. Hope Harry doesn't find out Lucas made Ruth cry, otherwise their meeting might not go so well...

[Lukyan Lyubof]

So happy you posted, worth the wait though.
Great chapter, really worked it being Ruth that talked to him rather than anyone else.

[Beatriz]

I loved this chapter! Poor Lucas wishing to die young, you've described very well his feelings.
Ruth was brilliant, standing up to him and trying to help, I love them together. I'd like to watch a scene like this on the show!
And the motherly thought so lovely

[lwhite53]

Great development of the relationship between Lucas and Ruth, really lovely!

[JHyde]

Wow! Thanks everyone, the response to this chapter (both here and on fanfiction.net) has been really surprising and overwhelming.

Truthfully, this isn't something I see as happening on the show anytime soon. Unfortunately, Lucas and Ruth isn't a dynamic on the show that is likely to be explored in the context of the spy drama. Then again, if reports are true that Lucas is on the Grid more.....

I'm really excited about writing the last chapter. It's the main bit of the fic and very meaty, juicy personal stuff. Can't wait!

[Tea Lady]

Yes, it's posted!

I think this is my favourite chapter yet, especially the second paragraph, this part in particular

"It was an ugly paradox that he needed the silence during the day in his work where he couldn't get it, and needed the company at night where he couldn't find it."

I wish Lucas had actually been a bit more like this in series 8, showing a bit more of his obvious anger, instead of just being a bit moody from time to time.

Interested to know how it will go with Harry and Lucas? Fight, fight !!

[HellsBells]

Fantastic, just fantastic, and definitely worth the wait ! You have the characters portrayed so perfectly, how I wish this would happen in the series. Love the idea of a Harry and Lucas showdown, especially off the Grid (this used to happen more in the earlier series).